


Writing Home

by ClockworkQuill



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Coming Out, Epistolary, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Past Janeway/Justin, Past Janeway/Mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-22 08:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13760508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkQuill/pseuds/ClockworkQuill
Summary: Kathryn Janeway writes to her mom about her love life.





	1. Mom

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this at like 3 am. It's my first Voyager fic!
> 
> If takes place sometime after Voyager gets back in touch with the Alpha quatdrant and Janeway learns that Mark has moved on.

Gretchen, mother, mom,

I can’t believe this is so hard to write.

I know you’re upset at Mark. I understand. But it’s not Mark’s fault things didn’t work between us. He waited more than long enough for me, but the truth is, it wouldn’t have worked if I had never left the Alpha quadrant. If Justin had lived… I don’t know. Maybe it would have worked with him, but I don’t think so.

It’s not that I didn’t love them, I do. I did. Just… it was never the kind of love you had for dad. I loved them, but I was never in love with them. I thought it would be enough, but it isn’t. It never would have been. I know that now.

It’s been months since I’ve forgiven Mark. In fact there was nothing to forgive. It’s time you forgive him too.

Besides, he’s not the only one who’s fallen in love.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m in love. That’s the whole point of this letter really. To tell you that. I don’t know why its so hard.

For so long I had to hide my feelings away from even myself. Hiding behind my Captaincy and holding the idea of Mark in front of me like a sheild. 

You know, I had nightmares of getting back home and being stuck with Mark forever. They were honestly the most pleasant of nightmares, and unfortuately the only ones to go away.

Perhaps I should still hold myself apart. There are regulations against Captains dating crew for a reason. If nothing else the unequal power dynamic inherent in such fraternization is problematic. The age difference doesn’t help either. I never would have considered approaching any of my crew myself.

70 years is a long time to be alone.

I suppose I should tell you something about them, the women I am in love with. Just, I don’t know if you would want to hear it.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to write these words to you. I don’t know how you will react. Dad would have thrown me out of the house. There’s a reason the only partners I brought home were men. I don’t know why I’m so scared. The worst you can do is stop sending me letters. I already got used to that. I can again, though, I hope I won’t have to. And yet, I’m shaking.

They’re both so wonderful mom. And beautiful and smart. 

You should hear B’Elanna talk when she has a new idea, it’s…. I was doomed right from the start. Right from the very beginning. That first time we talked about engine modifications when she was still Marquis, before she became Chief Engineer. I think I fell in love with her right then. I wonder sometimes how I managed without her so long.

And Seven, I don’t even know how to describe her mom. She’s beautiful and blonde and brilliant and borg. She’s not a drone anymore but I’ve realized, slowly, she will always be borg. I’ve come to love that aspect of her just as much as the rest of her.

Science and engineering are frequent subjects of pillow talk between the three of us. It’s comforting having keen minds besides me, that are interested and enthralled by the same things I am. We finish eachothers sentences sometimes, especially B’Elanna and I. Sometimes it's like we are on the same wavelength and sometimes I can hardly keep up with them. Sometimes I just like to watch as they argue.

I hope someday mom I’ll be able to introduce you to them. I hope someday you’ll accept them as my partners, maybe even your daughters-in-law.

I hope someday, when we get home, you’ll still accept me.

I’m almost 40 now, and for the first time, I’m in love. For the first time I’m not relieved when work pulls me away from a partner. For the first time I don’t want to put duty before my relationship - I do, I don’t always like it but the ship comes first, always. B’Elanna wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s the only person more in love with Voyager than I am. For the first time the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone, or someones I suppose, doesn’t make me feel at least somewhat uneasy. 

It’s just, I never thought it could be like this. I’m really happy mom.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you can be happy for me. I’m scared you won’t be.

Katie.


	2. Pheobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I couldn't get the idea of a letter to Pheobe out of my head so I wrote the damn thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muchly like the first letter I had very little intention to write this until I actually was. 
> 
> It's going to be sent at the same time as the letter to Gretchen, and the dates of Janeway, Torres and Seven date this as being written mid-May 2375. Whether that actually aligns to when they get in touch with the Alpha Quadrant in canon or not I have noea.

Pheobs,

 

Good gods Sis, no. I am not telling you details about my sex life. No amount of begging is going to change my mind. Also, please don’t send letters to B’Elanna or Seven asking them if I scream in the sack. I don’t think I will ever live that down. 

I think you’re really like them Pheobs. I know you’re going to tease me about liking nothing more than a good set of brains, but some days I am just so in awe of how brilliant they both are. I came off shift last night after the two of them, and when I got to my quarters they were talking about …. I don’t even know. Some of it had to do with warp theory, I caught a bit of a transwarp equation, but I couldn’t even keep up with the conversation. I can’t remember the last time that happened with someone other than the two of them. And yes, before you tease me about it, its very hot. It’s very sweet too. I like watching them together. 

Sometimes I wonder what they could possibly see in me. They’re both young and brilliant and beautiful. They’re so young Pheobs. B’Elanna is 28 and Seven is only 27, and in some ways she is even younger. Their lives are just getting started, especially for Seven. She’s still learning to be an individual. They have their whole lives ahead of them. Decades hopefully. Why would they want to spend it with an old woman stuck in her ways like me? I’m sure I’m thinking about this more lately with my birthday just days away now. 

I don’t doubt that they love me. I can see it in their eyes when I walk into the room. In their words, in their touch when we are alone. It’s hard sometimes. It’s been so long since I’ve shared my life with someone in this way, its hard for me to let myself be emotionally vulnerable, even with them. It’s been especially hard lately. I’m not used to others being privy to my self-doubts. I’m not entirely used to the support on a personal level either. Some days that makes me more uneasy then the emotional intimacy.

Sorry for the melancholy there sis.

I told mom, like you told me I should. That message will go out in the same batch as this one, so I still don’t know how she’ll react. I know you say she’ll be accepting and everything. I hope you’re right. But I just remember all the little things dad used to say and how she never stopped him. It’s not something I mean to hold against her, just, it’s a fear I’ve given a lot of my life to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if she isn’t okay with it. I’ve managed without contact for most of these last 4.5 years, I think I can live without it again. But I don’t know if I can handle not being able to go back home when we get back to the alpha quadrant. I just, I just don’t know.

I love you Pheobs. I miss you. Please, please no more letters to B’Elanna or Seven about anything even remotely related to sex. Please. I am begging you. Have you been painting anything interesting of late? Anyone interesting in your life? No details about your sex life. I will come back to the Alpha Quadrant and slap you, I swear.

 

I love you.

Kathryn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually have any plans on continuing this fic anytime soon, but if I decide to dust it off again it shall be as a series, not further updates to this fic.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, Criticism and Kudos always welcome here.
> 
> If people are intersted I might try continuing this one, so if you want more, let me know.
> 
> Y'all can reach me at [ clockwork-quill ](https://clockwork-quill.tumblr.com) on tumblr!


End file.
